confessions of a tyrant
ive always maintained that writing is cathartic. well, for me it is. its my coping mechanism.
ive mentioned a bit about this in my recent speakings. about how so many of us havent been taught coping skills by absent or overworked parents. sometimes problem solving skills take a backseat to work, school, paving the driveway and buying groceries. totally understandable.
and somewhere along the line crappy things happen to all of us. some of us we taught how to deal, some of us learned along the way, some of us take pills because its easier, some of us take medication because our brains werent wired correctly and most of us trudge through the mud just trying to make it to the next day without hanging ourselves.
me?
im somewhere in there learning in the mud.
what ive taught myself was that, the more i write, the more i talk and spill my guts, the easier it is for me to pull myself out to bed in the morning.
now, im going to be honest here. whether i deserve it or not, i have gained a bit of notoriety from all of this ridiculousness. books, tours, friends, songs, livejournals, whatever, you know the story. what is strange to me is how people expect more of you if you have "fans". they expect a certain behavior and strength of moral character that they dont even hold themselves up to.
look, i know you're human, and you know you're human. you go through rough times and happy times. sometimes you hate your friends and sometimes you'd die for em. sometimes you look in the mirror and think, damn, good job and sometimes you think, how could anyone ever find me attractive. sometimes you cant wait to get your day started, other times, you can barely wipe your ass without thinking to yourself, "fuck, is it really worth it?"
yo, its the paradox of being...well, human.
we're honest and we're liars.
we have ethics and we're hypocrites.
we're loyal and we're cutthroat.
we keep secrets and we talk shit.
just hopefully, the good outweighs the bad.
and guess what?
you know all of those boys and girls in bands, internet models, painters, actors and writers. well, theyre all humans as well. only certain aspects of their lives are illuminated, and unfortunately, its usually only the positive bits. so you get a skewed version of the human that they are. why do you think celebrity newspapers report on "fat days" for actresses, bad skin days for brittney spears and peen pictures for dudes in bands?
fuck, we've all had fat days, bad skin days and yo, ill bet all the candles in fruitys room that most of you have taken one or two scantily clad pics in your day. but you arent crucified. you arent pulled out in front of a crowd and humiliated.
this is where you say, "well, it comes along with the territory."
sure, ive said that line at some point in my life as well. but in the end, theyre all humans. yes, just like you. and they have feelings, just like you.
you wanna know why that dude in that band you love doesnt have a myspace or a real screen name (regardless of who you think truly does. odds are, if they do, YOU dont have it)? because they dont want to hear the bad. you can hear 100 compliments and 1 criticism and you'll always remember the negative over the positive. ridiculous, right? i agree. nonetheless, we're all humans.
years ago, i went through a little scandal of my own. sure, i brought it on myself and yeah, i probably deserved a lot of what was thrown at me but yo, do you have any idea how many terrible things were said to and about me? years later, i STILL get emails and IMs, to this very day (2 emails/5 IMs), from people who hate me for what they think i did or did not do.
im a big boy. i have tough skin. ive learned that through my writing i can weather most any storm. its my coping mechanism. i have learned to see the negativity in a positive light. that the content of most of the criticisms is juvenile at best, and the critiques i get with substance, well, i see it as constructive. shit, you have to see it like that or it eats you up. and ive seen my share of people get eaten up by it. and ive seen some of the criticism turn people i know and love into addicts.
yes, sometimes people make poor decisions, act inappropriately, spill secrets and behave like assholes...just. like. you.
you have off days, so do they. and its ridiculous for you to think that just because they have a spotlight on them that they should behave in a manor that you yourself cant even hold up.
im in a fortunate position, those people who actually do know who i am, do so because im a loud-mouthed internet tyrant. they expect me to boil over and run my mouth. its "what i do".
but the kids in bands are expected to sit back and smile (or mope, depending on your preference), never say one ill word about the kids that are buying tickets and hoodies, always be attentive and gracious and never discuss anything inappropriate in public as it will inevitably be seen as self-aggrandizing, self-important or attention-seeking.
just remember, most people on this planet arent good or bad people. theyre just people somewhere in the middle trying to make their way through the mud just like you.
as for me?
well im just a self-aggrandizing, self-important, attention-seeking, loud-mouthed internet tyrant with a penchant for talking about his feelings.
because i dont know any other way.
