confessions of a tyrant

2008-05-02T08:37:27Z

ive always maintained that writing is cathartic. well, for me it is. its my coping mechanism.
ive mentioned a bit about this in my recent speakings. about how so many of us havent been taught coping skills by absent or overworked parents. sometimes problem solving skills take a backseat to work, school, paving the driveway and buying groceries. totally understandable.
and somewhere along the line crappy things happen to all of us. some of us we taught how to deal, some of us learned along the way, some of us take pills because its easier, some of us take medication because our brains werent wired correctly and most of us trudge through the mud just trying to make it to the next day without hanging ourselves.

me?
im somewhere in there learning in the mud.
what ive taught myself was that, the more i write, the more i talk and spill my guts, the easier it is for me to pull myself out to bed in the morning.

now, im going to be honest here. whether i deserve it or not, i have gained a bit of notoriety from all of this ridiculousness. books, tours, friends, songs, livejournals, whatever, you know the story. what is strange to me is how people expect more of you if you have "fans". they expect a certain behavior and strength of moral character that they dont even hold themselves up to.
look, i know you're human, and you know you're human. you go through rough times and happy times. sometimes you hate your friends and sometimes you'd die for em. sometimes you look in the mirror and think, damn, good job and sometimes you think, how could anyone ever find me attractive. sometimes you cant wait to get your day started, other times, you can barely wipe your ass without thinking to yourself, "fuck, is it really worth it?"
yo, its the paradox of being...well, human.
we're honest and we're liars.
we have ethics and we're hypocrites.
we're loyal and we're cutthroat.
we keep secrets and we talk shit.
just hopefully, the good outweighs the bad.

and guess what?
you know all of those boys and girls in bands, internet models, painters, actors and writers. well, theyre all humans as well. only certain aspects of their lives are illuminated, and unfortunately, its usually only the positive bits. so you get a skewed version of the human that they are. why do you think celebrity newspapers report on "fat days" for actresses, bad skin days for brittney spears and peen pictures for dudes in bands?
fuck, we've all had fat days, bad skin days and yo, ill bet all the candles in fruitys room that most of you have taken one or two scantily clad pics in your day. but you arent crucified. you arent pulled out in front of a crowd and humiliated.
this is where you say, "well, it comes along with the territory."
sure, ive said that line at some point in my life as well. but in the end, theyre all humans. yes, just like you. and they have feelings, just like you.
you wanna know why that dude in that band you love doesnt have a myspace or a real screen name (regardless of who you think truly does. odds are, if they do, YOU dont have it)? because they dont want to hear the bad. you can hear 100 compliments and 1 criticism and you'll always remember the negative over the positive. ridiculous, right? i agree. nonetheless, we're all humans.

years ago, i went through a little scandal of my own. sure, i brought it on myself and yeah, i probably deserved a lot of what was thrown at me but yo, do you have any idea how many terrible things were said to and about me? years later, i STILL get emails and IMs, to this very day (2 emails/5 IMs), from people who hate me for what they think i did or did not do.
im a big boy. i have tough skin. ive learned that through my writing i can weather most any storm. its my coping mechanism. i have learned to see the negativity in a positive light. that the content of most of the criticisms is juvenile at best, and the critiques i get with substance, well, i see it as constructive. shit, you have to see it like that or it eats you up. and ive seen my share of people get eaten up by it. and ive seen some of the criticism turn people i know and love into addicts.

yes, sometimes people make poor decisions, act inappropriately, spill secrets and behave like assholes...just. like. you.
you have off days, so do they. and its ridiculous for you to think that just because they have a spotlight on them that they should behave in a manor that you yourself cant even hold up.

im in a fortunate position, those people who actually do know who i am, do so because im a loud-mouthed internet tyrant. they expect me to boil over and run my mouth. its "what i do".
but the kids in bands are expected to sit back and smile (or mope, depending on your preference), never say one ill word about the kids that are buying tickets and hoodies, always be attentive and gracious and never discuss anything inappropriate in public as it will inevitably be seen as self-aggrandizing, self-important or attention-seeking.

just remember, most people on this planet arent good or bad people. theyre just people somewhere in the middle trying to make their way through the mud just like you.

as for me?
well im just a self-aggrandizing, self-important, attention-seeking, loud-mouthed internet tyrant with a penchant for talking about his feelings.

because i dont know any other way.

i could have been anything.

2008-03-24T03:21:13Z

i could have been anything.
granted, the deck was never really stacked in my favor but i guess
that’s always been a matter of perception. my perseverance and "too dumb
to stay down" attitude has gotten me further than anyone would have
imagined.
when i was young, i wanted to be a fireman. the helmets and cool trucks
appealed to a little kid who just learned how to put his poop in the
toilet. shit, they got to be heroes by busting into burning houses to
break shit while carry axes around in public. for a kid with pent up
abandonment issues, you couldn’t have proposed a better lifestyle.
i watched as my mother raised two children, worked two jobs and put
herself through grad school. i admired her determination and her
humility as if it didn’t take everything in her to make her dream
happen. that’s what i learned by watching her. she made it look so
effortless. one day she told me she was going back to school, four
years later she was telling me to wipe the boogers out of my nose and
put on my church clothes because i had to look presentable at her
graduation.
i was a self-absorbed, spoiled little snot that had been spun around by
the misgivings of awful adults and irresponsible family members. i was
short and little and feminine and possessed all the athletic ability of
a wet sock, but i learned early on that you cant fail if you refuse to
quit.

i went to college but that shit bored me.
i got jobs with good futures but by whose definition?
i went on tour with bands but only in retrospect is sleeping on floors
and in the dark coffins of busses as glamorous as one might believe.
while sleeping in bath tubs, under pay phones, on pool tables, up
against van windows and on concrete sidewalks makes for good stories
years later...at the time, that shit sucks balls.
i had doors opened for me and i walked right up to them, said, "your
life is bullshit." thanked them for their time and walked away with my
head held high in idealism.
a bigger lesson i learned was that idealism doesn’t pay the bills. it
doesn’t keep the lights on or fresh food in the refrigerator or impress
your girlfriends parents. the problem was, my eyes had been opened. the
lyrics i read and the singers i watched jumped in my brain, shook it
awake and said, "you're on the path to becoming common." it was an
awakening; i wasn’t simply a tourist. i walked into those shows looking
forward to listening what was being said shouted screamed from those
stages. the music was merely the vehicle and i needed to know why they
were driving that car. i would drive home in the dark thinking how
amazing it must feel to live like that. to be able to know they were
living a deliberate life. the opposite of common. the saying, "god
kills boring people," echoed through my head.
but now what?
i mean, yo guys, thanks for the 'enlightenment' and all, but now what
the fuck am i supposed to do? it was like they ran in to put out the
fire and left behind a burned out frame of a boy. i have to start all
over? great, thanks a fucking lot. it felt like a curse, knowing there
was more, better, happier days ahead...i mean, they gave me the tools
and shoved me in the general direction...but they never gave me the
map.

it took a long and dark night in chicago staring at lake michigan to
make me realize that we are born with the map. one that most people on
this planet will never have the courage to dig for. and even if found,
they don’t possess the tenacity and valor to follow.
easy is the cousin of lazy and lazy is the cousin of death.
its easy to play out the charts and blueprints and maps that have been
set before us.
its easy to look to those we trust to help blaze a path.
a path. the path of the direction of OUR lives. we put the course of
our ship into the hands of another captain...but how the fuck does that
captain have any idea of what destination will make us happiest?
but its easy.
its hard to take the helm of a floundering vessel and point into the
uncharted waters, give the finger to everyone who whispers, "you're
going to fail," in our ears and shove off...alone.

we might get lost at sea. we might have insecurities. we might not eat
well. we might get frustrated. but inspiration never came from the
comfort of couches. it is born in agitation, desperation and gritted
teeth.

easy has always been my enemy...ever since i was that little boy who
thought running into burning buildings was heroic. but now its about
heroism of the heart.

because i still can be anything.

with love

confessions of a tyrant

i could have been anything.