i could have been anything.
i could have been anything.
granted, the deck was never really stacked in my favor but i guess
that’s always been a matter of perception. my perseverance and "too dumb
to stay down" attitude has gotten me further than anyone would have
imagined.
when i was young, i wanted to be a fireman. the helmets and cool trucks
appealed to a little kid who just learned how to put his poop in the
toilet. shit, they got to be heroes by busting into burning houses to
break shit while carry axes around in public. for a kid with pent up
abandonment issues, you couldn’t have proposed a better lifestyle.
i watched as my mother raised two children, worked two jobs and put
herself through grad school. i admired her determination and her
humility as if it didn’t take everything in her to make her dream
happen. that’s what i learned by watching her. she made it look so
effortless. one day she told me she was going back to school, four
years later she was telling me to wipe the boogers out of my nose and
put on my church clothes because i had to look presentable at her
graduation.
i was a self-absorbed, spoiled little snot that had been spun around by
the misgivings of awful adults and irresponsible family members. i was
short and little and feminine and possessed all the athletic ability of
a wet sock, but i learned early on that you cant fail if you refuse to
quit.
i went to college but that shit bored me.
i got jobs with good futures but by whose definition?
i went on tour with bands but only in retrospect is sleeping on floors
and in the dark coffins of busses as glamorous as one might believe.
while sleeping in bath tubs, under pay phones, on pool tables, up
against van windows and on concrete sidewalks makes for good stories
years later...at the time, that shit sucks balls.
i had doors opened for me and i walked right up to them, said, "your
life is bullshit." thanked them for their time and walked away with my
head held high in idealism.
a bigger lesson i learned was that idealism doesn’t pay the bills. it
doesn’t keep the lights on or fresh food in the refrigerator or impress
your girlfriends parents. the problem was, my eyes had been opened. the
lyrics i read and the singers i watched jumped in my brain, shook it
awake and said, "you're on the path to becoming common." it was an
awakening; i wasn’t simply a tourist. i walked into those shows looking
forward to listening what was being said shouted screamed from those
stages. the music was merely the vehicle and i needed to know why they
were driving that car. i would drive home in the dark thinking how
amazing it must feel to live like that. to be able to know they were
living a deliberate life. the opposite of common. the saying, "god
kills boring people," echoed through my head.
but now what?
i mean, yo guys, thanks for the 'enlightenment' and all, but now what
the fuck am i supposed to do? it was like they ran in to put out the
fire and left behind a burned out frame of a boy. i have to start all
over? great, thanks a fucking lot. it felt like a curse, knowing there
was more, better, happier days ahead...i mean, they gave me the tools
and shoved me in the general direction...but they never gave me the
map.
it took a long and dark night in chicago staring at lake michigan to
make me realize that we are born with the map. one that most people on
this planet will never have the courage to dig for. and even if found,
they don’t possess the tenacity and valor to follow.
easy is the cousin of lazy and lazy is the cousin of death.
its easy to play out the charts and blueprints and maps that have been
set before us.
its easy to look to those we trust to help blaze a path.
a path. the path of the direction of OUR lives. we put the course of
our ship into the hands of another captain...but how the fuck does that
captain have any idea of what destination will make us happiest?
but its easy.
its hard to take the helm of a floundering vessel and point into the
uncharted waters, give the finger to everyone who whispers, "you're
going to fail," in our ears and shove off...alone.
we might get lost at sea. we might have insecurities. we might not eat
well. we might get frustrated. but inspiration never came from the
comfort of couches. it is born in agitation, desperation and gritted
teeth.
easy has always been my enemy...ever since i was that little boy who
thought running into burning buildings was heroic. but now its about
heroism of the heart.
because i still can be anything.
